View&Stew: it's all about EQ

Emotional Intelligence is Cool

Daniel Goleman is a psychologist by trade. He's also a bestselling author, sometimes Harvard professor, and even wrote for the New York Times for a while. For the past decade and a half, his focus has been on intelligences beyond the standard measure of IQ, “intelligence quotient.”

Quick Story

In his book Primal Leadership:  Realizing the Power of Emotional Intelligence, Goleman offers an interesting vignette.

Two leaders are speaking to the same group about some bad news:  they are all being let go.  The first kicked off the conversation with how well competitors were doing and his recent vacation before delivering the news in a "brusque, even contentious" manner.  The second leader talked about the importance of their work and their passion for it, and spoke to the group's shared passion for the chosen career.

The group was angry at the first leader - both him and the message.  The same group cheered the second.

For both of these leaders, we can assume they both had a reasonably high IQ.  The difference in the story is the difference in EQ:  emotional intelligence.

4 components of EQ model

1. Self awareness:  being aware of who you are, and of how others around you perceive you; understanding your own emotions


2. Self management:  controlling who you are, your emotions, impulses, and shaping your behavior; situational self control


3. Social awareness:  recognition and understanding of others' emotions, and understanding social networks


4. Relationship management:  brings it all together...being able to influence the emotions of others while managing conflict

View & Stew

An interesting exercise around EQ is something I call the "View & Stew" method.

Within your group (however you define it - for most it's a frequently and regularly meeting group, like a workgroup, church group, or social group), pick one person - we'll call this person "John."  John should be relatively open with emotions, as you will be trying to read into reactions & emotions you see.

Arrive early at the next group function, and position yourself near John if possible.  Take note of how John treats the people you know at first sight and right after they leave.  Is John happy? sad?  irritated?As the event goes on, you should be able to capture a broad and varied view of individuals as perceived by John, and you'll probably find that you would react differently to these same people than John would react.  Congratulations, you've finished the "View" section of the exercise.Now for the stew:  do you remember how John greeted you?Points to stew on:

1. Think about how John reacted to you.  Was it positive, negative, or neither?


2. Think about how John reacted to you in the context of others.  If you had to stack rank the interactions, who is at the top of John's list?  Who is at the bottom?  Where do you fit in?  Does it matter?


3. How did you want John to react to you?  If there is a difference, write down the difference, and think about what it would take to move the needle from what it is to what you want it to be.  Is it worth it to move the needle?


4. What did you learn about John?  What did you learn about yourself?


5. Who will be John the next time you View & Stew?

Did you try the View & Stew?  Let me know how it went!  More on EQ later - Goleman's written a raft of books & articles, and the field is wide open.  Can't have you falling asleep while you're reading the blog. :)